Self-Pity and the Musings of a 7 Year Old Boy

I have to admit I've been wallowing in self-pity. I've experienced perinatal death and delivery three times: Elizabeth in 2004, Joshua in 2005 and now Caleb in 2008. I've trusted God to bring me through, relying on His strength and His plan each time. But now I am feeling rather stubborn! I don't want to release my hurt and anger. I feel like some cruel joke has been played on me. I thought I was content with two biological children and one adopted child. I finally released my desire to be pregnant, to hold a nursing child, and to watch an infant grow through that first year. But then I got pregnant in January. I didn't want to be pregnant. I was afraid and worried about the ultimate outcome. As time progressed and things seemed to check out okay, I finally released my doubts and started to believe this was really going to happen. God was going to bless me unexpectedly by dropping a healthy infant in my lap. Two weeks later I had a level 2 ultrasound and the baby showed small growth for gestational age and the umbilical cord was missing an artery. I was told there is probably a chromosome issue. They schedule me for another ultrasound two weeks later only to find no heart beat. So I came to the conclusion that I'm just too old and my eggs are too old. The doctors did an amnio and they discover that the baby was a normal male, no chromosome issues at all. So what's going on? The next step is looking at blood clotting factors. The placenta showed blood clots and dilated vessels. Perhaps my body attacked the baby as a foreign object like it would an infection. This test is yet to be done so I don't know the outcome. Hopefully, I will get some answers to the questions that plague me.

Today we went to Caleb's interment. We didn't have a service or anything. It was just Chris, me and the kids. They placed Caleb's urn in the ground and Chris said a prayer. Something simple to help bring us closure. On the way home, Nathan asked why God would allow me to be pregnant but not allow the baby to live. I had to chuckle on the inside because I now had to give an answer to the question that has been on my mind for weeks. I think God is very wise. I have to choose how to answer my son. Do I truly believe that God's plan is good no matter how painful it is? If I share that God is sovereign, loving, and compassionate then I have no choice but to release my pain to him. I decided to share two Scriptures with Nathan that are always with me.

Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Proverbs 3:5 (NIV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.

I went on to share the story of Joseph from Genesis. When Joseph's brothers sold him as a slave to a caravan heading for Egypt, I'm sure he wondered why. I'm sure he thought it was unfair. I think he would have been confused about God's plan for his life. Joseph surely endured hardship. So I asked the kids, didn't God use this circumstance for His ultimate good? Yes, He did. Thirteen years after being sold into slavery, Joseph rules Egypt. Through God's leading Joseph prepares for the 7 years of severe famine which ultimately saves the lives of his family and fellow Israelites.

So those are the verses and the example that God gave me to share with Nathan and God was also using them to remind me. I need to let go and turn my hurt, pain, and confusion over to Him. I will trust Him to use this as He sees fit. God IS good.

I Peter 5:7 (NIV)
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.